Lost Nokia's fate in the lap of the cods

JCB’s handsets sell themselves as the most robust on the market. Nicknamed ‘Bricks’, they’re constructed from diamond-hard materials and by all accounts are tougher than a Russian Mafioso. But for all their manufacturers’ nails-hard posturing, it seems that a new challenger has emerged for their crown.

Enter Nokia, whose handsets have, in truth, enjoyed a rep for durability for years. In today’s Sun, you’ll find a decidedly fishy tale of how Glen Kerley mislaid his Nokia handset while walking his dog on a beach and was in the process of buying a new one when his girlfriend received a call from the missing mobile. Turns out that the phone had been found by a fishmonger in the belly of a 25lb fish and had defied seawater and the fish’s gastric juices to keep on working.

Relating the story Andrew told how his girlfriend looked askance at him and said: “Your old mobile number is calling my phone.”

He added: “She said some guy was going on about my phone and a cod so she handed it over to me and he told me where he had found it. I thought he was winding me up but he assured me he had caught a cod that morning and was gutting it for his fish stall and that my Nokia was inside it - a bit worse for wear.”

From Nokia’s point of view this is surely the kind of PR that money cannot buy. And couldn’t have come at a better time. Not least because this week it’s fending off reports that its Nokia 5800 handset is hamstrung by defective speakers. The latter in particular is embarrassing for a handset that is spearheading Nokia’s XpressMusic range and upon which so many of the company’s hopes are pinned this year.

In the meantime, I expect the Finnish mobile phone giants to make much of this story. As far as they're concerned, if ever there was a good day to bury bad news this is surely it.

Orange's future looks less bright after consumer victory

Ever felt like suing your mobile phone provider? Sure you have. Was your bugbear with unclear roaming charges? Or maybe it was unheralded and unfair changes to the terms of your contract? Perhaps it was atrocious customer service, or appalling network coverage.

Most likely if you’re a 3 customer it was all of the above. That’s certainly the case if this torrent of abuse is anything to go by. As a 3 customer myself I can only relate. I live in the urbanised locale in north London where you’d have thought a clear reception would be a given. Not so. I can actually barely get a reception in my house. There are even problems when I’m in town, with Soho’s high buildings leaving me out of range and unreachable for the duration of shopping trips for discs of shiny black plastic. This is more often than my GF would approve of.

But this week it seems there’s something to cheer about - for Orange customers at least. Yesterday the Daily Mail reported that Tom Prescott of Richmond has won a case against his mobile phone network. According to the report, Orange attempted to keep him in his contract despite his failure to get coverage in his office or home in Richmond. Mr Prescott is now £500 richer after damages were awarded and is free of Orange’s attention.

He told the paper: "It has taken me three months in court to get it cancelled. I felt bullied by the company, and dealing with Orange was awful. I hope people who have the same problem now realise they can do something about it."

If we're to believe the responses to the outcome, this is a seismic event and opens up the prospect of hordes of disgruntled network customers launching legal action. You can almost hear the sound of 3 customers drafting legal correspondence across the land. And that other sound? That’s the swearing as the same people once again try to make a phone call only to be denied

Whether this results in Orange improving its network or in mass migration and payouts, this little victory for consumers is something worth celebrating. The future for consumers with mobile phones might not be Orange. But after today, it’s certainly brighter.

Samsung new phone is Well Weapon

Have you ever used the phrase “Well Mexico”? Or even “Well Weapon”? Have you? If you have it’s odds-on you’re a fan of the much lamented Channel 4 show Nathan Barley. If you haven’t you need to know that it was a coruscating study of east London fashion victims. Or as they were dubbed by creator Charlie Brooker "self-facilitating media nodes", with the programme destroying with extreme prejudice this crap coterie's excruciating and pig-thick attempts to be cool and edgy.

The show didn’t run for long, with poor ratings ensuring that a second series never arrived. For those who keep the faith however one of its highlights was the souped-up Wasp phone that the series' super villain Nathan Barley favoured. Here it is in all its gaudy glory:


What a monstrosity. But someone, somewhere didn’t get the joke. And that someone appears to be Samsung. At the Mobile World Congress this week it unveiled its Beat phones, which in their laboured attempts at cool seem to be aimed at Nathan Barleys the world over.

The phones feature a scratch mode that lets you move your fingers over the handset and in theory cut up the records like you’re Terminator X. Of course in reality this is nothing more than a shonky sound effect that you’re bored of trying out after about five minutes

It’s less a function and more akin to those novelty presents that you get from unimaginative friends that feature Mr T saying six fun phrases. The difference is Mr T saying “Quit Your Jibba Jabba” will never get old.

Just say no to voice activated Zumbaphone

Another day, another mobile phone company claims it’s going to revolutionise the industry. This time it’s the turn of UK company IA Technologies. Their handset the Zumbaphone’s USP is that it is fully voice activated. And if we’re to believe their claims is the most accurate voice recognition system yet created. Owners will be able to speak texts into the phone and have messages they receive read back at them.

And if that wasn’t innovation enough for one day, the Zumbaphone is apparently also the world’s first ‘back-up replacement mobile”. This means that instead of information being stored on internal memory, instead it is kept on a remote server. Thus should the phone ever get purloined by sticky-fingered imps, all your gen is safe.

Top marks for innovation, IA Technology. And doubly so making said device look so brilliantly otherworldly. Unfortunately, it’s hard to see the Zumbaphone being anything other than a niche product. One obvious market is dyslexic phone users, who’ll appreciate being freed of the tyrannies of spelling. But apart from that minority, who else was crying for a fully voice-activated phone. In fact, voice-activated services seem to be one of the least used functions on phones, so basing a handset entirely on this seems something of a folly. Ultimately, the Zumbaphone looks like joining the lineage of Great British Tech failures like the Sinclair C5 or Colin Pilger’s ill-fated intergalactic lunar mission. It’s a tradition that I for one am inversely hugely proud of.

Hyundai in do or dai bid to enter UK mobile phone market

Few car manufacturers have been slagged off by the Top Gear petrolheads quite as gleefully as Hyundai. As far as Clarkson and his chums are concerned they’re cheaply made carbage. Whether that’s fair or not, is a moot point. But it’s hardly a ringing endorsement for Hyundai in the week they announced they are entering the UK mobile phone market.

But one man at least is optimistic of the company’s chances of grabbing market share in our handset sector. Namely, the fantastically named Norbert Winkler, chief executive of Hyundai Mobile Europe. He reckons that: "Hyundai is one of the five biggest car manufacturers and is ranked 72nd in the world's most valuable brands, which is bound to provide a positive image transfer to Hyundai mobiles.”

Alas his sunny outlook seems more than a little bit misplaced if the early snaps of the company’s mobiles are anything to go by.

Behold:



Not much to get excited about is there? Details of specifications of are scant, but it's not unfair to say that these two hardly shine in the looks department. And unless this is addressed by Hyundai design department for future offerings, I for one am predicting that the company's handset divison will dai on its arse.