Star Wars USB Memory Sticks - Why Not Mobile Broadband Modems?

See above what are without doubt the finest looking USB memory sticks in Christendom. I got the Boba Fett one for Christmas and am happy to report that it's every bit as cool as the bounty hunter himself. Better yet, they're in limited runs of up to 5,000 and are individually numbered for collectability. And while fanboy purists might scoff at the Wicket the Ewok offering, I've always thought that the fluffy fellas' contribution to the Rebels' good fight was underrated. For me, they're akin to the Gurkhas of the Star Wars Universe - loyal almost to a fault and most pertinently full of spirit and scrapping despite their lack of size.

But I digress....A bit of digging reveals that Mimobot is the company behind these mini marvels and that as well as top grade Star Wars merch they're in the business of producing a whole host of branded and brilliant USB sticks. There's a series of Halo-themed products and a Domo range for fans of the cult Japanese anime. Or if it's designer toy stylings that float your boat, you can choose from hundreds of Pete Fowler-style goodies.

In fact, with the sheer range of desirable goods on offer, it makes the very functional-looking USB modem sticks now selling in vast quantities look like very plain girls at the digital party. And in this respect I can't help but feel that broadband providers might be missing a trick. After all, how much more likely would you be to choose one mobile broadband package over another if they offered you a range of eye-catching designs for their USB modems? I think we all know that the answer is VERY VERY LIKELY. More so, if the designs were limited edition and were made exclusive to a particular ISP.

If broadband companies have any smarts they'll apply their energies to ensure that fashionable, more individual looking USB modems become the NEXT BIG THING. You've only to look at what big business fashion mobile phone handsets have become to see the potential. A vast market of people who want devices that say more about them than the standard cold, grey bit of plastic that currently passes for a mobile USB modem could be lying there untapped.

HDTV with slow connections could spell doom for Virgin Media

Virgin Media’s big media blitz for 50Mb service and its USP of delivering high quality HDTV to its subscribers has been dealt a fresh blow today, with the launch of new software called HDi.

According to a report from the Telegraph, the technology is poised to allow consumers who “either cannot afford the highest speed broadband services, or those unable to subscribe to super-fast internet access because of the location of their home and their distance from a telephone exchange” to stream and download high-definition videos over the web.

Alki David, founder of video-streaming website FilmOn.com, who developed HDi, told the newspaper that it works by employing a compression technology that “squeezes the signal so it can be transmitted more quickly." The tech is currently in use by Mr David’s FilmOn service.

It strikes me that the big loser could be none other than Virgin Media. It’s hard to see how HDi will not hit demand for 50Mb service, one of the chief selling points of which was its capacity for delivering HDTV. Worryingly for the ISP, HDi is apparently being demonstrated to BT, the UK’s largest provider. Should therefore an exclusivity deal of some sort be signed between the two parties, Virgin Media's hopes that its faster service could prompt mass migration could be stymied in a stroke.

Doubling the agony for Virgin is that HDi’s launch follows sniping today that as more subscribers use its fibre optic network, the connection speeds it delivers will inevitably decline. This, in turn, followed a report from top internet iconoclasts the Reg that quoted CEO Neil Berkett as seeming to imply that the company was planning to target BitTorrent users. Given that gamers who legitimately use peer to peer sites and who might have expected to sign up for ping-free fast connections in spades will now be baulking at paying for as service that discriminates against them, this is an own goal of Lee Dixon proportions.

Virgin Media should be applauded for its willingness to invest in fibre optic technology capable of bringing of faster broadband to the UK. But it deserves little congratulations over how it has managed the launch of the 50Mb service. Where is now- departed media manipulator par excellance Richard Branson when they need him?

The Year's Most Irksome Ads

As the winter festivus becomes more and more tainted by commerce, it’s harder and harder to discern the real spirit of Christmas. But - credit crunch aside - if there’s one thing that’s guaranteed to stop people spending their hard-earned on fripperies and presents it’s shockingly bad and patronising advertising campaigns.

This year in particular they’ve been hard to avoid. Take, for example, those 'At Home with the Redknapps' Wii ads, which have seen the likes of top grade actorly types like Patrick Stewart and Julie Walters replaced by Heat magazine micro celebs. They’re nothing short of kryptonite for the credibility of the system.

Let's take a look at them, shall we? First up in the cast of characters, we’ve got a clapped-out ex-girl band member in the form of Louise. Then there’s Jamie Redknapp whose 'Come On Mawio' rotacising (sic) as he’s passed by Bullet Bill has got under my skin like very little else this year. And lest we forget…oh look there’s his Pops. Redknapp Snr’s “Come on you mugs! How’s that for a super smash attack?” exaltation is redolent of Patrick Moore’s legendary doddery appearances in the tips section of Games Master. With their blank expressions, it’s patently obvious that neither of these two coves have any idea what they’re saying.

Nintendo’s other big push has been for the new Animal Crossing installment. And they’ve erred here, too. As the ad's willowy blonde looks up whimsically at the stars and enjoys a soothing herbal tea, all I can think of is 'Jeebus, was there ever a drippier, more indie girl outside of a Talulah Gosh record?' What’s especially misjudged about it is that in my experience this kind of wet, ambient non-gaming isn’t what girls enjoy about the Wii. A truth borne out by the fact that the girls Mario Kart I play online with every Sunday drive like they’re in the Ben Hur chariot race and will stop at nothing short of murder to secure a win.

Alas, PC ads haven’t been much better. The 'I’m A PC' campaign from Apple continued to run this year and was no less irritating than it had been when they first aired in 2007. But perhaps the most galling are the PC World ads for Christmas which trumpet the virtues of the 3GB Acer laptop. We’re told in breathlessly enthusiastic detail that “Thanks to its massive memory and Intel core dual processor, it’s great for surfing the web, playing games and listening to your music. All at the same time!” Delivered with the zeal of someone bringing us news of bleeding-edge technology from the far flung future, the fatal flaw in his sales pitch is that multi-tasking on a computer would be amazing only if this was still 2002.

EU smartphone proposals - Be afraid. Be very afraid.

This week it emerged that the European Commission in its infinite wisdom is mulling taxing high-end handsets. Under the plans, mobile phones with the likes of GPS would be subject to import tax and reclassified as “multi-function” devices. This would add 3.7 per cent to the cost of a phone with GPS and a whopping 14 per cent to one that is equipped to receive TV pictures, according to a report from the Reuters news agency.

Naturally, phone companies are put out. Quite rightly, they’re predicting that hiking prices will curtail demand at a time when cash-strapped consumers are already less likely to be investing in a new phone. But it’s not only them who’ll suffer. With mobile TV now just on the cusp of breaking through to a wider market, this proposed legislation could kill it stone dead. So that’s two industries where job cuts could result. Not great news, then, as the world’s economy is already convulsing as a result of the credit crunch.

But if you find it hard to sympathise with big multinationals, lest we forget it’s the European consumer who’ll foot the bill in the long run. Not only will you and I be charged extra for mobile phones, but we’ll also be denied access to the best, bleeding edge technology. This is a point succinctly made by a spokesperson for Nokia, who noted that “the proposal would put the latest technology out of the reach of European consumers as it would simply push up the price of sophisticated mobile phones”.

What’s especially ironic about all this is that it comes in the week that the commission has unveiled guidelines to EU members states about how to boost mobile television take-up. But by taxing TV-equipped smartphones to this punitive degree what they’re proposing could be the death knell of this very technology.

3-D TV - Don't Believe The Hype

A few years I read an interview with Jeffrey Katzenberg in which the Dreamworks chief executive officer proclaimed that 3-D will be the future of movies. His rationale was that the 3-D experience makes cinema something that cannot be replicated at home. It seemed fanciful at the time. But since then major studios have poured money into developing 3-D technology as have TV manufacturers.

This drive to 3-D appears to be gathering pace this morning with Sky’s announcement that it has created a system for delivering 3D pictures to one of the new screens using an existing HD box and satellite dish”. Charmingly, to get the 3-D effect viewers must don glasses of the kind that were a staple giveaway of comic books.

All very exciting I’m sure but I can’t help feeling that this isn’t what the world is waiting for. When 3-D first appeared in the 1950s it singularly failed to catch on. 50 odd years and countless other fads later, why should things be any different this time around?

Once you’ve watched a few movies or the odd sporting event in 3-D, the novelty will wear off pretty sharpish. And with the new sets which are equipped for 3-D set to retail at £2,000 and above the tech is a big investment for something that will be used very little. Even more pertinently, with bills soaring and peoples’ financial circumstances getting worse by the day, who currently has the money to shell out for something with such limited appeal?

I’m sure some saps will sign up for 3-D TV. But they’re likely to be the same ones who fell for the BBC’s 1965 prank when it ran a news item with a cove who claimed to have invented smellovision for TV. He then made a coffee and chopped some onions. Amazingly, some people phoned the station to say they had smelled the aromas. Proof if any were needed that now more than ever 3-D should be left to B-movie nostalgists and crazies.

Virgin Media's Berkett 'pulls a Ratner'

Virgin Media is at the centre of negative publicity after seeming to confirm that it will be bringing in technology to target BitTorrent users – reneging on previous pledges to support net neutrality – and calling into question why consumers should shell out for its much trumpeted 50Mb service.

Neil Berkett, chief executive officer of the company, apparently revealed the plans this week to the Reg. Mr Berkett seems to have told the irreverent techy site that the technology to restrict BitTorrent use will be introduced midway through 2009 for its users on plans which offer 20Mb and below. He also said that although its much hyped 50Mb service currently has no restrictions it is planning to impose them as take-up grows. He did not specifically mention application-targeting tech for 50Mb customers, but surely after these revelations this cannot be ruled out?

What is for sure is that the timing of this story could not be worse for Virgin, which has launched their 50Mb service with an advertising campaign that makes much of the speed with which downloads can be completed. This naturally will be massively compromised should BitTorrent users be targeted. All of this begs the question, why pay out for faster access if downloading is subject to restrictions? If you just wanted to read your e-mail and surf the web, you’d be on a dial-up.

Meanwhile, gamers who are also expected to be a core market for the faster service are also now likely to look at Virgin Media with thinly disguised disdain after Mr Berkett’s comments. Not least because many legitimate games now have peer to peer sharing at their core. In view of this the Virgin CEO’s remarks could be a pr own goal on the scale of Gerard Ratner’s dismissal of his jewellery as crap.

Apple store pushes crapplications at expense of better apps

Apple’s decision to offer an array of applications for its iPhone promised a new dawn for mobile phone users. It should have brought out the best in developers with innovative applications arriving daily to bring new levels of functionality to mobile handsets. But in so many ways, that’s not how things have panned out.

If you’ve yet to join the iPhone set, you don’t have to take my word for it. For proof you’ve only to see the open letter from developer Craig Hockenberry and further statements from App Cubby which have been publicised on the Reg. In his missive Craig spells out the problems facing companies who attempt to create something better than simple one-dimensional apps that appear to dominate the company’s application store.

It’s not hard to see the developers’ point, with dumb, wacky applications such as Hold On proving disturbingly popular. Hold On, lest we forget, actually tests how long you can depress a button for. No really. Similarly pointless is the Alarm Free app. This sees the handset emit a low-level klaxon sound in the event that they’re getting mugged. But surely all that’d happen is that by pulling out your iPhone, you’re now sure to lose it to the sticky-fingered imps?

The problem it seems is multi-faceted. Not only does the cost of developing better apps prove prohibitive given the cheap selling price they command, but the listing system used by the store is actually mitigating against better, more useful apps' chances of success. This is because the most popular apps are those that get listed by Apple on its main page. Consequently it’s the cheaper, sillier apps that do the big business.

If the Apple app store is to become anything better than the digital equivalent of a pile ‘em high, sell ‘em cheap high street retailer it needs to address its rating system. And soon.

Nokia enters mobile broadband market to "mehs" all-round

Nokia does not appear to have learned its lesson from its failed attempt to crack the 3G market, with the news that it has developed a USB dongle to rival those on offer from networks such as 3.

The firm’s offering has yet to be named officially but Tapio Markki, vice president for hardware platform components at the Finnish telecommunications giant, said that it will ship its first HSPA modem early next year. Mr Markki told Reuters that its experience in developing 3G will serve it well in breaking into the market.

Hmmm, I'd beg to differ. Not least on the grounds that any techy with a bit of nous can see just how myopically short sighted the venture is. The problem here is that Nokia has failed to take into account that although mobile broadband is undoubtedly on the rise and is indeed a growth area, demand from consumers is in likely to wane over the next couple of years as they turn instead to 3G embedded laptops.

So it seems just as demand for embedded laptops is poised to grow exponentially next year, Nokia is entering the market with its last-gen offering. Certainly figures from a source at a leading broadband price comparison site indicate as much, with broadband deals which include 3G embedded laptops proving among their most popular products in recent months.

With the N97 on the way and a sustained challenge to its market supremacy recently arriving from Apple, wouldn’t Nokia be better off channelling money into its marketing spend for its new handsets? Or better yet holding back on its attempts to diversify and sticking to what it does best, i.e mobile phones.

Virgin's SMS service - boldly going where no text has gone before

According to the tagline of Alien - or Jaws in Space, as it was pitched to studio executives – in space no-one can hear you scream. The vacuum will see to that. But with the launch of a new service from Virgin Mobile, it seems that there will be other ways to make yourself heard.

To tie in with the Christmas market, Virgin Mobile’s Texts into Space enables the network’s customers to send an SMS which will travel not just to a selected handset but across the universe for all eternity. The message is propelled into orbit via the Earth Station in Cornwall and a payment of £9.95 plus the price of the text gets you a certificate and updates on how far along to Alpha Centauri the message has travelled.

According to Virgin’s press release: “Once sent you can ensure your message will live on eternally, a concept that will surely touch the recipients’ heart.”

Alas, for all the squelchy, emetic Hallmark sentimentality that there is to object to here, this isn’t what’s concerning me about Virgin’s service. For one thing, sending a love message that sets in stone your words for eternity seems to me like a massive and potentially very foolhardy commitment. You might declare your love and then get the heave-ho from your paramour the very next day. So surely, signing up is sillier even than getting their name tattooed about your person? At least you can get tatts removed.

More troubling, though, is the prospect of what aliens might think of us were they to read some of the messages. In the 1960s, satellites contained charming illustrations of our solar system and humans, so that extraterrestrials could get up to speed with our civilisation easily. But what would the intelligences that HG Wells’ War of the Worlds described as “cold and vast and unsympathetic” make of the ignorant Txt SPk romantic epistles that will be sent?

Mark my words, the likes of “I Luv U. U R GR8” and “OMG. You R BUF!” won’t just be indicative of the decline of the English language. They could see us written off by the rest of the universe as a backward race and deemed fit for termination. Batten down the hatches and tool up my friends, a Mars Attacks-style assault could be but days away.

Drug-dealing game on the iPhone...Just Say No

This week the red-tops have rounded on Underworld – an iPhone game that simulates the drug dealing experience. The application, which was due for an imminent release, allows players to experience the greasy netherworld of life as a small-time pusher trading cannabis and ecstasy to impressionable young teens.

Quoted in pretty much all the reports is a mother whose daughter tragically died from a heroin overdose. Not unreasonably, she’s condemned the game and is affronted by it. Also fighting her corner is the drug treatment charity Addaction. A statement from the charity opined that the although the game “may be intended to be light-hearted, it only serves to trivialise a very important issue.”

Naturally we’ve been here before. GTA, for instance, wasn’t shy of controversy and nor was Rockstar games’ follow-up Bully. But at least those titles had some elements that meant you could defend them and argue that they weren’t without some merit or some sort of moral standpoint. Bully, for instance, actually set you against playground menaces. Meanwhile, for all its faults, GTA was a fantastically realised virtual world and crucially came with an 18 certificate to keep it out of the sticky fingers of minors.

However, in the case of Underworld, what is there to stand up for? Certainly not the gameplay. It’s just a tarted-up trading sim that is unspeakably moribund and tedious. So, in a desperate attempt to garner sales, developers A-Steroids have tacked on a paper-thin drug theme. Depressingly it will probably work. But the really saddening thing is that it’ll be the games industry and gamers that get demonised as a result.

Make no mistake, the likes of Underworld will give games enthusiasts and the industry as a whole a bad name. By cynically targeting adolescents with an immature worldview, A-Steroids is dragging gaming back to the dim and distant time when arcades were seen as akin to the Cantina bar from Star Wars. A place lest we forget that Obi Wan Kenobi described as “a hive of scum and villainy”.

What’s especially disappointing is that mobile phone gaming is in many respects a bold new frontier. Especially in the case of the iPhone and LG handsets, whose accelerometers could usher in Wii-style motion sensitive games and bring games on mobiles to a new mainsteam audience. Underworld on the other hand seems to want to take us back into the bad old days.